Saturday, December 15, 2018

The Hillary Clinton Presidency

 Image result for Hillary clinton cartoons

I have this reoccurring nightmare. 

A few thousand deplorable, irredeemable voters in Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania forgot to go to the polls in November, 2016, and Hillary Clinton was inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States the following January with Snoop Dogg doing his recently composed rap version of the National Anthem at the inauguration ceremony. Three weeks later, Senate Republican leaders, after a series of unanswered requests, were finally granted a brief audience with the new POTUS. She had been very busy meeting with Al Sharpton, Black Lives Matter and Antifa leaders, LBGT advocates, Muslim dignitaries, and the throngs of Hollywood celebrities who had supported her campaign. The future of the Lincoln bedroom was, once again, weighing heavily on her mind. Would Saudi or Chinese Clinton Foundation donors get first crack at the overnights?

The Republicans still enjoyed a slender majority of Senate seats, but Senator Mitch McConnell just couldn’t wait to meet with the new Commander and Chief and announce that after consulting with Paul Ryan, the Republican Congressional leadership had finally concluded that the “opposition” in “loyal opposition” was a hopelessly outdated male-chauvinist gimmick, and that under his leadership, loyal opposition would have no operational function in the 115th Congress. “We understand, Madame President, that for powerful men to oppose a strong woman would simply show our insecurity and weakness. We acknowledge that you are a strong woman, and we, as powerful men, of course, want you to be successful.”

President Clinton seemed to be pleased, but was skeptical.  “Ok, Mack, I think this is a good start, but…” 

“It’s Mitch” interjected the Kentucky Senator, and…”

“Yeah, whatever”— President Clinton was obviously annoyed – “but don’t interrupt me. (a slight sneer breaks out) Maybe you think you’re a ‘powerful man’, but ‘powerful,’ are you joking? And the other part is, well, somewhat questionable from what I have heard. So, if you are really serious, here is the latest newsflash.  Ruth Ginsburg has, surprise, surprise, decided to retire, having barely survived the Trump nightmare. Who would have guessed that so many Americans were so stupid? Then, of course, there is the Supreme Court seat of the dead Dago, Tony, that needs filling. And, by the way, thanks Mack, for holding up the Merrick Garland nomination last year.  Since we already have three Jews on the court one more gets me no diversity points.  Wait till you see who I have in mind – how does the first trans, disabled SCOTUS Justice sound for Scalia’s replacement? Ha, roll over Antonin, you Fascist pig!  And, Ginsburg? I haven’t decided yet, but you boys have a lot of pent up Islamophobia to deal with, so just think about that and how you can atone for it. Another ‘first’ for Rainbow America. Better late than never. No opposition, right? I’m counting on it.

Senator Marco Rubio, who had been allowed to come to the meeting, jumped in at this point.  “Madame President, we’ll be eager to confirm your nominees. You could conjure up the ghost of Che Guevara, give him an honorary JD, and, awe shucks, we’d give him the nod. You are the President and you get to put whomever you want on the court. As we go forward you may hear now and again of public criticism from me of you, but I need to do a bit of that to keep the rightwing, rednecks in north Florida and the panhandle off my case.  Please know that I am committed to making the first woman President successful.”  

President Clinton heaved a sigh (thinking to herself, “Wow, these schmucks are even bigger pushovers and suck ups than I could have possibly imagined.  So much for that ‘vast rightwing conspiracy’”). Then, sarcastically, “Thanks, little Marco. Yes, I am glad that you comprehend that I am the President. How do you say it in Spanish? Never mind. Did you get the gift I sent you last week, the lifts for your shoes? Those will help with the optics when we put you up as the token opposition in my 2020 re-election campaign. I won’t take ‘no’ for an answer, little guy. You need some extra inches. No extra points for me in a landslide against a shrimp.  Ahh, that silly word, “opposition,” ok, I guess, as long as it stays token. After this meeting I think I am now feeling very confident.” (a long, loud cackle from the President helps to break the tension)

John McCain, still kicking at this time, was also at the meeting.  He seemed to be one of the few Republicans that Hillary from her days in the Senate had a soft spot for. Senator McCain made a plea, hoping that the new Clinton administration would take more aggressive action against Iran. President Clinton was quite pleased with this. “Yes, John, I am very inclined to start bombing the Iranians. Hey, why not? Better than that aspirin factory Bill incinerated in South Sudan back in 1997.  Barack was way too soft on the Iranians. That’s what happens when you turn a pussy like John Kerry out on his own. Those sexist Mullahs will soon learn that if they try to fuck with this woman they’ll all be flirting with the 72 virgins sooner than you can say 'Allahu Akbar.' But, now that I’m thinking about it, I’d like to get rid of Putin, too. Give him the old bayonet-up-the-bum once over like we did with that jerk, Gaddafi. Remember? One of my best lines ever – ‘We came, we saw, he died.’ How is that for a robust foreign policy statement?  But what a douchebag Vlad turned out to be; another man who can’t relate to a strong woman.  So, before we decide to turn Persia in smoke and ashes, we’ll need to sort out just what our priorities are going to be for making the world more humane, safer and less violent.” Senator McCain was a bit disappointed with her response, but thought to himself, “I think she’ll be fine.”

Senator Rubio was attempting to follow up with some additional foreign policy questions, but President Clinton had to cut him off. “Now, if you boys will excuse me. Bill is waiting outside the Oval office (I do love to keep the old Hound dog waiting) for my approval of his list of White House interns.  Don’t worry. I have him on a very short leash now. No looney tunes or sluts this time around to get us off track. Besides, I have cut off his Viagra prescription, permanently -- Whoa ... is that Freudian, or what? (she gasps).  In any case, it’s unseemly for an ex-President, don’t you think? Let me know, though, if any of you could use it.  Email me – first come, first served – and do I have to say, use my personal email address.”

In her first State of the Union address, President Clinton unveiled her plan to deal with that large block of “deplorables” who did not vote for her.  “As I stated in my campaign,” she said, “these people are ‘thankfully, not part of America,’ and I fully intend to see that they remain, indeed, ‘irredeemable’ and will never again threaten the foundations of our vibrant democracy (interruption with applause on both sides of the aisle).  On the Presidential campaign, last fall, I saw many yard signs that said, ‘Hate has no home here.’  Well, I am telling the American people here tonight, (her voice raises) Hate has no home here, and not anywhere in this country, not in the schools, not in the universities, not in the churches, not on television or newspapers, not on the internet or social media, and – I am putting you on notice, Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage, Mark Levine and your hate-spewing wannabees – not on the radio (interruption with wild, standing applause on both sides of the aisle). Tomorrow, I will sign an executive order that will make it a criminal offense for those who use language that makes those who have suffered from white privilege feel intimidated, offended or uncomfortable. To make any powerless person in my United States of America feel excluded will be a serious crime. This may be challenged eventually in the Supreme Court, but I am very confident (she casts a stern glance at Senator McConnell who smiles weakly) that this effort will prevail.”

There was, of course, more on President Clinton’s agenda than the eradication of hate speech. She continued.  “For too long, gun violence has plagued this country.  Under my administration, gun violence will come to an end.  I will soon ask Congress to sponsor comprehensive legislation that will, finally, address this issue head on.  As of tonight, I am declaring the NRA to be designated as an organized criminal enterprise, complicit in the death of victims of school shooting. Its officials will be arrested and prosecuted under the existing RICO statutes and its membership dismantled by federal marshals and enforced by the National Guard.  Gun manufacturers will, under the new laws, be held criminally and civilly culpable for mass-shootings. Gun ownership is a privilege, not a right, and that privilege will only be extended to those who bear the burden of protecting those of us in public service from the threat of violence from the growing alt-right extremism. Once again, I am confident that Supreme Court will support the truly democratic voice of the American people in this matter.” (Standing applause, minus a few Republican congressmen)

President Clinton was still not finished outlining her agenda for a kinder, gentler America.  “America must have comprehensive immigration reform and it must be now! (interrupted applause).  Our democratic values are those of diversity, inclusion and tolerance.  The American people voted against exclusion last November, and as your President, I stand before you tonight, and to those of you, undocumented and in the shadows, afraid of the racist police and the bigoted xenophobes who voted for the Republican candidate: ‘No one IS illegal’—the whole of America is your precious sanctuary, and with the path to citizenship that I will propose, be assured that the weight of your votes will very soon ensure that the electoral influence of those deplorables who nearly ended our democracy last Fall will rapidly shrink and they will soon experience, deservedly, what it is like to be a despised, and eventually, tiny minority” (wild standing applause, with a few elderly Republican congressmen sitting and looking … scared).

Two years into the Hillary Clinton presidency, violent crime statistics, excluding offenses from neo-Nazis and White nationalists, are at an all-time low. With talk-radio now defunct, hate speech is now just a dark spot in America’s racist history. Michael Savage has died from a mysterious illness, and Rush does infomercials on cable tv for smoking cessation products. Federal employees are now encouraged to make regular contributions to the Clinton Foundation which can be automatically deducted from their paychecks.  The Foundation is managed by Chelsea from her six-million-dollar penthouse in Manhattan. First Husband, Bill Clinton has led a national effort to raise awareness of, and to combat sexual harassment in the workplace.  

With nothing but glowing, positive coverage from the New York Times, the Washington Post, and CNN, HRC’s approval ratings run an average of 90 percent. With Texas, Florida and Georgia now solidly “blue” states, rumors have circulated in the Wall Street Journal that the Republicans are considering forgoing the nomination process of a candidate in 2020 and asking that Hillary Clinton’s reelection as President be affirmed by popular acclamation.

Late one evening in 2018 Hillary sits and reviews the long list of new campaign donors and ponders which popular actress should be given the “Hillary” role in the movie that will soon be released, produced by a rehabilitated Harvey Weinstein. Perhaps Meryl Streep, but she’s a bit old for the part, Hillary concludes.  She looks over at Bill, who is busy on his annual performance reviews of the White House intern staff and says: “Hey, William Jefferson Clinton, is this just what we always dreamed of back at Yale law?”  Bill looks up and grins.  “Well, Hill, like I’ve said before, “It depends on what the meaning of ‘is’ is.”  

1 comment:

  1. This was hilarious. And terrifying. Well done.

    Tiny nitpick: its Commander-in-Chief